Imperial Assault
Retired!
| Race: |
Human |
| Coach: |
Skimmer |
Description
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| Bulletin board from the coach |
| July 6th, 2018 - old news |
New simulator rollout delayed. The Imperial Assault team trialed a new training simulator today, developed by the fine engineers at Sienar. Unfortunately it appears that the engineers are better suited to designing new capital ships than battle simulators as there were a litany of failures found.
The simulacrum of Lord Vader, while certainly visually impressive, appeared to tax the hardware beyond its limits and repeatedly required resetting. The lightsaber in particular was found to be incorrectly implemented, with an incorrect setting resulting in it acting instead with the Dark Lords power to push those he disapproves of away.
In addition to this, the random event generator was later determined to be set up in such a way that it was not possible for the simulated Imperials to achieve their aims. This was intended as a handicap for the clearly superior training and discipline of Imperial troops, as no real teams could ever pose much of a challenge, but had unfortunately been set too high.
Finally, the simulator was incorrectly set to immediately upload results of what was, frankly, a bit of a fun lark among the Imperial troopers during the copious downtime the Empire gives its forces to a running league as if it was an actual game. Accordingly the Imperial Assault have been incorrectly recorded as losing 4-0 to Reptile Dysfunction. Those who wish to confirm the information above can check the previous winners lists - no such team exists.
This statement is the inescapable truth, brought to you by the Imperial Citizens Information Bureau. Citizens are reminded that disbelief is punishable by death. |
| - Skimmer |
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| May 26th, 2018 - old news |
Imperial Forces Continue Run Once again the Imperial Assault team has emerged victorious, although a typographical error in the official scorecard has resulted in the scoreline being recorded as 2-0 against them.
Played during a pre-planned Imperial redeployment of forces the understrength team nonetheless displayed the effectivenes in conflict and supreme accuracy that have become so well associated with the Stormtrooper Corps.
The loss of two troopers on the field of conflict to individuals wielding vaguely pointed spikes has led to some concerns among the other troops regarding the quality of their armour, but Quartermaster Sergent TX-162 has issued a statement saying "Sadly, no armour can be proof against all attacks. In the case of these two unfortunate troopers the armour was hit in the weakest areas. Troopers can rest assured that the armour they are issued is suitable for their needs, and well able to deal with most threats, such as sticks, arrows, thrown rocks and psychopathic teddy bears."
There was no word as to the reason behind such specific threats being issued, but as the Legion has been informed it is redeploying to a secure facility on a remote moon, it seems unlikely that even these minor threats will be encountered.
This statement is the inescapable truth, brought to you by the Imperial Citizens Information Bureau. Citizens are reminded that disbelief is punishable by death. |
| - Skimmer |
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| May 3rd, 2018 - old news |
Another glorious Imperial Triumph Once again, the Empire has overcome its opponents, this time deeming it worthy of recording as a victory, as the situation was much less diplomatically delicate than the initial round. Once again the brave Imperial lads overcame their opponents on the field, and once again they had to content with dissident scum deciding not to take a loss laying down.
Yes, once again the crowd decided that dignified spectating was not for them, and invaded the pitch not once, but twice. And once again the Imperial forces, with a commendable eye for the mission above all else, ignored stones, sticks, and in one case a mother using her own child as a club, to good effect, eventually comfortably bringing it home at 2-1.
The Dark Lord of the Sith himself was reported to have said 'The Emperor is not as forgiving as I am, and would have deployed the Death Star. I am merely sterilising the host settlment and its surrounds in response to the presence of Rebel factions.' Operations are underway.
This statement is the inescapable truth, brought to you by the Imperial Citizens Information Bureau. Citizens are reminded that disbelief is punishable by death.
<< NOTE TO BROADCASTERS: Do not issue bulletin until Imperial orbital bombardment has concluded. >> |
| - Skimmer |
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| Mar. 17th, 2018 - old news |
Glorious victory to the Empire The Imperial Citizens Information Bureau wishes to inform the Galactic population of a glorious victory by Lord Vader's Imperial Assault over Maus Haus. Although officially the record is set to be 2-2, for diplomatic reasons, all accounts indicate that the Imperial forces were victorious on the field.
In addition to the win, a valiant member of the team spotted a wanted miscreant in the crowd, leaving his colleagues to continue to trounce their opponents in his absence and attempted to apprehend him. Despite slaying hundreds of the fellows bodyguards, he was unable to prevail and will go down as a hero, TN 827, or 883, or one of those numbers. The story will be available on Holovid as soon as production is complete.
This statement is the inescapable truth, brought to you by the Imperial Citizens Information Bureau. Citizens are reminded that disbelief is punishable by death. |
| - Skimmer |
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